Day of Hope: A Prayer Flag for Jonah

August 19th is the international Day of Hope Prayer Flag Project.  This beautiful day of remembrance was created by Carly Marie, who is the mama of a stillborn baby boy named Christian.  Here are some words about this day from Carly's website: "It is a day of speaking out aloud about the babies and children that are no longer here. It is a day healing and a day of HOPE. August 19th breaks the silence surrounding the death of babies and children."

In honor of this day of HOPE, people all over the world created "Prayer Flags" in honor of babies gone too soon from this Earth.  My mother and I participated by making flags for Jonah, each one lovingly made in our own style.  

I brought the flag I made for Jonah to Beverly Hills Memorial Gardens, where he is buried, and took so many lovely photos - trying to capture his flag and all the meaning behind it on this beautiful day in August.  

Thank you Carly Marie and Project Heal for making this day of HOPE, this day of PEACE, and this day of REMEMBRANCE.   

This is what I posted to Facebook along with a photo of Jonah's prayer flag:

"You were born with wings".... Today, and always, we honor the life of our baby boy, our little butterfly, Jonah, who in his short lifetime gave us enough love to fill our hearts forever. We feel his presence every day and know he is with us in a way we cannot completely understand. Thank you Carly Marie for creating this amazing Day of Hope. Today I honor each and every baby who left to soon. Here is Jonah's very own Prayer Flag!

 

 

 

My mom and dad are leather crafters.  This is the leather prayer flag my mama created.

 

Here are the words my mom posted to Facebook describing her flag: 

Jonah was born on May 12, 2012 at 25 weeks. His sudden arrival left us hopeful that our 2 lb.3 oz baby boy would live and grow, but after 47 hours his life came to an end leaving us with a sadness deeper than the ocean. Now over a year has gone by, and I want to remember our first born grandchild with a special prayer flag made of leather. I have been a leather worker for 40 years and I have wanted to make something special in this medium. Around his birth date, I punched 47 holes; each representing the hours that Jonah was physically with us. The hole in the heart was a natural flaw in this piece of leather so I made a heart around the hole to represent the loss we feel. Butterflies have become his symbol as on the day of his funeral and many other occasions henceforth, we have been visited by butterflies. Each symbol has special meaning to our family and each hour spent making the prayer flag gave me a chance to ponder the fragility of life and the deep connection between a mother and her child no matter the amount of time one has together.

 

I hope Jonah's prayer flag brought the same kind of peace and comfort to your hearts as it did ours.  To learn more about the Day of Hope and to see prayer flags made by families all over the world, please visit August 19th - Day of Hope: The Prayer Flag Project

Mother's Day, First Birthday

What a beautiful coincidence that Jonah's 1st Birthday is also Mother's Day.... 

In honor of Mother's Day and Jonah's birthday, my husband Deva and I had a little get away this weekend to a bed and breakfast in Deep Creek, Maryland.  We relaxed, spent time in nature, and reflected on this past year.  On a comical side note, a bear stole our cooler off of the patio at our B&B and had a lovely salmon dinner.  You're welcome bear.  

  
Celebrating Jonah's birthday and Mother's Day all at once held a flood of emotions.  But most of all my heart was flooded with pure love for my little butterfly.  Despite the intense grief I feel, I must remind myself of the miracle of his birth, of his life, and of the impact he had and continues to have on us all. 

After our trip to Deep Creek we visited Jonah's grave, where we found an amazing surprise - a birthday card and butterfly for baby Jonah from my dear friend Sophia.  
 

Our very creative friend Susan made a darling cupcake with butterflies and footprints that Deva and I shared in honor of Jonah's first birthday. We sat at the cemetery and opened cards, sang, read Jonah's book (On the Night You were Born), and read a poem I wrote.  I had a sense of peace being there and felt his presence as the wind roared and the sun played hide and seek with the clouds.  
 

I'd like to share with you the poem I wrote to read at our baby boy's grave side today in honor of his first birthday.  My feelings are real, and raw.   

Mother’s Day, First Birthday
By Heidi Solomon
May 12, 2013

My darling boy….

If you were here I would nuzzle your noggin – with surely a full head of hair by now

If you were here I’d kiss each little toe, both cheeks, both ears

I’d comfort your cries

I’d love on you all day

But on this Mother’s Day, your first birthday, you’re not here

You blessed my life with your presence

You completed our lives

But we had to say good bye to you

Last year

The day after Mother’s Day

Two days after you made your debut

And all these months I’ve clung to you – I’ve wished you alive a million times

I’ve pretended you were here

I’ve dreamed about how our lives would have been so different

And then all that pretending and wishing caught up to me

And as if our world wasn’t already crashing down upon us,

My life, my core, seemed to shatter in your absence – in the illusion I’d built up around you

My breath left me

My grip on life left me

And despite the rawness of it all, I finally began to heal

I finally let myself grieve, process

I discovered my identity – Once a mom, always your mom, but not a mom right now

I had bound you up so tightly into my heart

That I didn’t know how to let go of my strong hold

But to move forward with my life, with my identity, I had to give you back to the universe

And so I did

I opened my soul, my heart

And poured you out

Released you

Your soul and my soul were once one

And you’ll always be a part of me, but that’s just it my love – a part

I am still whole

I’ve picked up the shattered pieces and slowly molded them back together

A new me

Each day I miss you Jonah

But each day I learn how to be at peace with our reality

Please know my sweet boy that I will always love you

You will always be my first born, my first love

And your presence will always be among us

But you are a part of the universe now

A shooting star, a blooming flower, a tiny butterfly

You are the sunrise and sunset

You are the rain and my tears

I know the universe will bless me with reminders of you, Jonah, each day of my life

You are separate from me, lovey, but you surround me just the same

This Mother’s Day and your birthday I feel close to you and a million miles away

All at the same time

And that is true

And that is ok

Happy Mother’s Day, Happy 1^st Birthday dear Jonah Henry

 

Jonah's Rocking Chair

Today our dear friends Laura and Todd and Laura's parents donated a
beautiful rocking chair to the NICU where Jonah was born. 
Here are the words I shared with the nurses,
Laura, and Deva when we dedicate the rocker. 
 

Rocking Chair in honor of
Jonah Henry Solomon
Our little butterfly
 
March 3, 2013

The NICU – a place full of charged emotions – happiness for new beginnings, for babies being alive and surviving.  A place of fear – so many unknowns for these tiny fighters.  A place of bittersweet joy.  Usually a place to celebrate tiny victories, but sometimes a place of unimaginable sorrow.  In this place we have felt joy, we have celebrated tiny victories.  And we have felt fear and experienced something no parent should ever have to live through.  But through all of these emotions this place still exists.  The NICU offers the most critical care to the tiniest, most fragile patients.  It is an amazing place.  

Parents go through so much in this place…Whether they are holding their babies for the first time or the hundredth, it’s important that they have a special chair they can rock in and bond with their child.  We are so honored that our dear friends Laura and Todd, and Laura’s parents have donated this lovely rocker to the NICU in honor and memory of our son Jonah.  
  

Although our dear baby Jonah was only here for two days, the time we spent holding and rocking him were the most precious moments of our lives.  To know that there will be a rocking chair with our baby’s name on it here in the NICU is so special.  I know that when parents hold their tiny babies in Jonah’s chair they will be completely surrounded with the feeling of unconditional love and a connection to their child that is unlike anything else.

This rocking chair is a special throne for parents to embrace their tiny miracles.  Thank you so much to the Fulks’ and Goblinger’s for honoring our baby Jonah in such a generous way.  You are making a difference in the lives of other NICU families and I am honored for Jonah to be a part of their world.  

Did I meet your expectation?

Shadow grief.  It's the grief that ambushes you - jumps out of the bushes and tackles you down.  Blindsides you.  And it always makes its surprise attack when you're feeling pretty good.  When you think you might just have a grip on the new normal.  Today I attended a conference about Autism and sensory modification with my friend Tessa (who is really like my second mom).  It was excellent.  I was totally engrossed in it - my brain focused in on something other than my reality.  The instructor played a video from Story Corps - an interview between a mom and her twelve year old son, who has Asperger's.  The touching interaction between the two was heartwarming and I admired this mom's honesty with her son.  I was in a happy place, and then the bandit shadow grief stole my moment.  The son asked his mom, "Did I turn out to be the son you wanted when I was born? Like, did I meet your expectations?"  And out of nowhere tears began to flood me.  The thought of Jonah asking me this question gave me an intense fear that he somehow feels like he disappointed me - that he feels like he wasn't the baby I had wanted or expected because he couldn't stay. 

This shadow grief moment struck me with such intensity - I silently cried and cried in the front row of my conference.  I wonder what the instructor thought of my sudden sorrow.  During a break I confessed my moment to Tessa.  She put her arms around me and told me she loved me.  I needed that.

When you're expecting a baby (and even before) you do have a picture for what that baby's life will be like - an expectation.  And do our children always meet those lofty fairytale like pictures we paint for them?  Not always, but they always turn out to be the children we wanted, because they are ours, because our hearts are moldable and our children always fit in them perfectly.  I do not want Jonah to feel that he wasn't what we expected - that he didn't meet our expectations.  He was everything I wanted - my perfect baby boy.  He met my every expectation, he was everything I ever wanted.  And the fact that he made me a mom, made us parents - that fills my heart with intense love and eternal joy for our Jonah.  Of course I wish he could have stayed, but I was never disappointed with his existence.  I hope he knows that.  

To my son, Jonah: I pray that you never doubted whether you were "enough" for us.  You are our everything - the love of both of your parents molded and blended into one, tiny, perfect human being.  We are forever grateful for your physical time with us and your ongoing presence in our lives.  Your life has exceeded our expectations and we are so proud to call you our first born, or son, our love.  

   

A Plan.....A Path

In December of 2011, on the twelfth month of fertility treatments, I finally found myself unbelievably pregnant.  After what seemed like a life time of doctor appointments, ultrasounds, injections, and disappointment, we were overcome with relief and joy.  One of the first things I did was dispose of the myriad of fertility drug supplies - vials, needles, cotton swabs, alcohol swatches, portable coolers, ice packs..... I was more than happy to empty it from my life and move on from that tough chapter.  Little did I know, 13 months later the fertility doctor would ask if I still had all of that stuff.  How could I have possibly predicted that I would need it again, and so soon?  And here I am welcoming it back into our lives....

Last Wednesday I saw Dr. Rowan, our fertility doctor.  I was SO nervous...my heart was beating a billion beats per minute.  I couldn't wait to see him, but I dreaded the possibility of bad news.  We have had so much bad news in these past few months.  As soon as he came into the room my nerves seemed to ease... I thought, "I know this guy.  He's on my side.  He got me there once....this is his specialty, his science."  And as the butterflies in my stomach flew away, I welcomed in the news that my ovaries looked good and that I had the green light to start fertility treatments once again.  I left his office with a lightness in knowing that I could be pregnant again soon.  He advised me to come back on day 3 of my next cycle, which he anticipated would be in about 2 weeks.  Good.  Two weeks to absorb all of this.   

The thing with PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) is that you never quite know when "aunt flo" is going to come around.  Surprisingly, she came by sooner than I expected, and on Saturday I found myself facing the fact that day 3 - starting day - was right in front of us.  Were we really ready to start down this path again?  ....I wasn't sure.  I expected to have a few more days to grasp the idea of doing fertility treatments again.  During yoga that morning I thought and thought about what we should do, and while I was supposed to be mediating (oops) I came up with a plan.  Fertility treatments are all consuming, all draining.  They toy with your emotions and are hard on your body.  You definitely want to be at your optimal self - as healthy as can be going into it.  While I feel like my body is mostly back to its pre-pregant self, it could stand a little tweaking.  So, I decided that instead of starting the treatments this week, I would give myself one more month to be my healthiest self.  For one month (and until I am pregnant) I am getting myself to the gym more often, eating less carbs and more lean proteins and much more fruits and veggies, and focusing on my well being through yoga, acupuncture, massage, and art.  After the yoga session I grabbed my mat and my new goal and headed to the grocery store where I literally filled my cart with veg and fruit and organic meats, and quinoa (I hear good things about quinoa).  I rushed home and began to organize my healthy menagerie of eats.  Now snack sized zip locks of prepared cauliflower, grapes, and avocado are overflowing my fridge.  I feel healthier just looking at it!

Studies show that losing just a handful of pounds can boost your fertility.  I'm hoping to shed a few, but honestly, I think just eating healthier and exercising more will help regardless of weight loss.   I feel energized by my plan, and I think I'll feel more comfortable re-entering the land of hormone injections knowing that I'm at a healthier state.  Heading down this path again is not easy...It's a daunting task, but it's our path and it's the one we have to embrace.  Here's to a healthy month!!