Did I meet your expectation?

Shadow grief.  It's the grief that ambushes you - jumps out of the bushes and tackles you down.  Blindsides you.  And it always makes its surprise attack when you're feeling pretty good.  When you think you might just have a grip on the new normal.  Today I attended a conference about Autism and sensory modification with my friend Tessa (who is really like my second mom).  It was excellent.  I was totally engrossed in it - my brain focused in on something other than my reality.  The instructor played a video from Story Corps - an interview between a mom and her twelve year old son, who has Asperger's.  The touching interaction between the two was heartwarming and I admired this mom's honesty with her son.  I was in a happy place, and then the bandit shadow grief stole my moment.  The son asked his mom, "Did I turn out to be the son you wanted when I was born? Like, did I meet your expectations?"  And out of nowhere tears began to flood me.  The thought of Jonah asking me this question gave me an intense fear that he somehow feels like he disappointed me - that he feels like he wasn't the baby I had wanted or expected because he couldn't stay. 

This shadow grief moment struck me with such intensity - I silently cried and cried in the front row of my conference.  I wonder what the instructor thought of my sudden sorrow.  During a break I confessed my moment to Tessa.  She put her arms around me and told me she loved me.  I needed that.

When you're expecting a baby (and even before) you do have a picture for what that baby's life will be like - an expectation.  And do our children always meet those lofty fairytale like pictures we paint for them?  Not always, but they always turn out to be the children we wanted, because they are ours, because our hearts are moldable and our children always fit in them perfectly.  I do not want Jonah to feel that he wasn't what we expected - that he didn't meet our expectations.  He was everything I wanted - my perfect baby boy.  He met my every expectation, he was everything I ever wanted.  And the fact that he made me a mom, made us parents - that fills my heart with intense love and eternal joy for our Jonah.  Of course I wish he could have stayed, but I was never disappointed with his existence.  I hope he knows that.  

To my son, Jonah: I pray that you never doubted whether you were "enough" for us.  You are our everything - the love of both of your parents molded and blended into one, tiny, perfect human being.  We are forever grateful for your physical time with us and your ongoing presence in our lives.  Your life has exceeded our expectations and we are so proud to call you our first born, or son, our love.