Mother's Day, First Birthday

What a beautiful coincidence that Jonah's 1st Birthday is also Mother's Day.... 

In honor of Mother's Day and Jonah's birthday, my husband Deva and I had a little get away this weekend to a bed and breakfast in Deep Creek, Maryland.  We relaxed, spent time in nature, and reflected on this past year.  On a comical side note, a bear stole our cooler off of the patio at our B&B and had a lovely salmon dinner.  You're welcome bear.  

  
Celebrating Jonah's birthday and Mother's Day all at once held a flood of emotions.  But most of all my heart was flooded with pure love for my little butterfly.  Despite the intense grief I feel, I must remind myself of the miracle of his birth, of his life, and of the impact he had and continues to have on us all. 

After our trip to Deep Creek we visited Jonah's grave, where we found an amazing surprise - a birthday card and butterfly for baby Jonah from my dear friend Sophia.  
 

Our very creative friend Susan made a darling cupcake with butterflies and footprints that Deva and I shared in honor of Jonah's first birthday. We sat at the cemetery and opened cards, sang, read Jonah's book (On the Night You were Born), and read a poem I wrote.  I had a sense of peace being there and felt his presence as the wind roared and the sun played hide and seek with the clouds.  
 

I'd like to share with you the poem I wrote to read at our baby boy's grave side today in honor of his first birthday.  My feelings are real, and raw.   

Mother’s Day, First Birthday
By Heidi Solomon
May 12, 2013

My darling boy….

If you were here I would nuzzle your noggin – with surely a full head of hair by now

If you were here I’d kiss each little toe, both cheeks, both ears

I’d comfort your cries

I’d love on you all day

But on this Mother’s Day, your first birthday, you’re not here

You blessed my life with your presence

You completed our lives

But we had to say good bye to you

Last year

The day after Mother’s Day

Two days after you made your debut

And all these months I’ve clung to you – I’ve wished you alive a million times

I’ve pretended you were here

I’ve dreamed about how our lives would have been so different

And then all that pretending and wishing caught up to me

And as if our world wasn’t already crashing down upon us,

My life, my core, seemed to shatter in your absence – in the illusion I’d built up around you

My breath left me

My grip on life left me

And despite the rawness of it all, I finally began to heal

I finally let myself grieve, process

I discovered my identity – Once a mom, always your mom, but not a mom right now

I had bound you up so tightly into my heart

That I didn’t know how to let go of my strong hold

But to move forward with my life, with my identity, I had to give you back to the universe

And so I did

I opened my soul, my heart

And poured you out

Released you

Your soul and my soul were once one

And you’ll always be a part of me, but that’s just it my love – a part

I am still whole

I’ve picked up the shattered pieces and slowly molded them back together

A new me

Each day I miss you Jonah

But each day I learn how to be at peace with our reality

Please know my sweet boy that I will always love you

You will always be my first born, my first love

And your presence will always be among us

But you are a part of the universe now

A shooting star, a blooming flower, a tiny butterfly

You are the sunrise and sunset

You are the rain and my tears

I know the universe will bless me with reminders of you, Jonah, each day of my life

You are separate from me, lovey, but you surround me just the same

This Mother’s Day and your birthday I feel close to you and a million miles away

All at the same time

And that is true

And that is ok

Happy Mother’s Day, Happy 1^st Birthday dear Jonah Henry