Road Block

It has been over 14 weeks since Jonah was born.  During this time I've cried, smiled, melted down, laughed, wept, hugged, mourned, and healed a little bit.  Today I visited my fertility doctor, Shon Rowan, for the first time since shortly after I got pregnant.  While undergoing fertility treatments I  saw Dr. Rowan 35 times in 12 months.  I have gotten to know him quite well.....pulling my pants down for Dr. Rowan has become as casual as shaking his hand hand hello.  Lol.  He came into his office today and said how he'd been thinking about us a lot over the past few months and wanted to call, but didn't.  He played such a HUGE role in me getting pregnant.  After Jonah died I really wanted him to know what happened.  My midwife told him, but I never heard from the man who was somewhat responsible for Jonah's life.  That made me sad.  I'm glad to hear he was thinking about us though.....despite his lack of contact.  (No hard feelings Dr. Rowan if you're reading this)  

While I do not think I'm 100% ready to be pregnant again, I am ready to make a plan.  So that's why we met with Dr. Rowan today.  In my mind, it's been over three months....I'm feeling much more emotionally stable...I'm done pumping breast milk....I'm longing to be pregnant again.  I was in love with being pregnant.  While much of the time I felt like I had caught a permanent deadly flu bug, I still wouldn't have traded those 25 weeks for the world! I loved being pregnant with Jonah.  I loved that we had finally succeeded to conceive; I loved we were going to be parents; I loved watching my belly grow rounder and fuller each week; I loved feeling his little poking kicks; I loved the attention being pregnant brought me; I loved talking about being pregnant; I loved my thick hair and strong nails; I loved planning the baby shower and registering for the many many many baby items I was sure we would most certainly need. And the greatest thing about being pregnant - adorable, stretchy, comfy maternity clothes! At 25 weeks pregnant, I was finally starting to feel so good and I felt that glow that everyone said I had.  I was by no means ready to be done being pregnant, let alone mentally or physically prepared for what was to come.

So in my head I'm thinking 3, 4, 5 months seems like a reasonable time to wait before heading down the fertility path again.  I will never be "over" what happened, but I can continue to grieve the loss of Jonah while turning the page to the next chapter of my life.  After Jonah died we met with the head high risk OB/GYN, Dr. Holls (who delivered Jonah) to discuss the autopsy and talk about future pregnancies.  He said wait at least three months with three periods before trying to get pregnant.  This seemed reasonable in my mind.  Of course, with my Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, having three periods can be a feat in and of itself (that's another story).  Well today when we met with Dr. Rowan, (who in addition to being a fertility doctor is a high risk OB), he said that women who carry a baby over 20 weeks and deliver prematurely, who conceive again within less than 6 months time have a much much greater chance of miscarriage, preterm labor, infant death, stillbirth, and/or maternal death.  He recommended we wait one year, and at the very minimum six months before trying.  Statistics of the horror stories mentioned above aside, does he realize how much I want to have a baby?  When Jonah died my world SHATTERED and I've been trying to pick up the pieces ever since.  Part of picking up the pieces involves having another baby....moving forward on the path to be a mom....on Jonah's path.  Waiting a whole year to start the nightmare of fertility treatments again seems like an eternity....especially considering that we first started to try to get pregnant over two years ago.  If we wait till May 2013, it will have been nearly 3 years.  Oy.  And I'll be 31.  Not that that's old, but this biological clock is screaming TICK TOCK in my ears.  If it takes this many years to have ONE baby, how old will I be when our family is complete?  Ok, I shouldn't complain about my age....but when Jonah died it was like the universe was saying, "We're going to finally let you get pregnant and get super super excited about this bundle of joy, and then we're going to rip him from you and take him where you'll never get to touch him or see him again.  Oh and now that your baby is gone forever, we're going to make you wait a WHOLE year to even consider getting pregnant again."  Just seems like a giant slap in the face....or a kick in the heart.  Oh and to make it even harder, this Friday is his due date...August 24th....a date we so looked forward to.  Now it's just a giant reminder of the fact the Jonah is not here.  

I know a year goes by so quickly, and Dr. Rowan said that if we wait at least until November, which will be 6 months, we should be fine to start trying again (especially considering how many months it took us to get pregnant before).  This path just seems SO long.  The first three months after Jonah's birth and death I threw myself into pumping and donating breast milk.  That focus helped the weeks to pass by so quickly.  Now that focus is gone and  I need to draw my patience from somewhere....I recently started taking yoga.  Not sure I'm a yoga kind of girl, but I need to be.  Jonah's path is bumpy and I need some tranquility along the way to get me through these next few months.